The Deep of Darkness

This is a poem I felt compelled to write on a day I had forgotten to take my antidepressants for like the third time that week:

The blackness has come again

It writhes around my body as it blocks out the light

I can feel the cuttings on my arms begging to be opened up

There must be more scars

The pain is piercing my heart

Crying for mercy

It does not help to cry out as usual

The sound is just a whisper of my self

All is well with the world

Accomplishments have been made

But I do not care about them anyway

Not now! I am happy!

Why do you come to steal my joy?

You take the joy, the light, the hope away in seconds

Who gave you the power? Not God

God is Good! My own wretched self has brought you back to my door

I hate her! Why does she search for you when I have joy?

I will fight you with the lightning

The spasm ridding you from my body

I must stay no matter how afraid I get

It is for my own good

Memories will be wiped away again

What thoughts will I lose

To gain my joy I must lose part of my mind

This proves there is no real existence in a life of depression

Why did I think I could come home

Why would I be so selfish as to cast the weight of darkness over my family

Unworthy, selfish, greedy for more life

Life was denied to me at birth when my mother would not hold

the thing that caused her such pain

I am pain incarnate

Those that come near to me feel it inside themselves

That is why my life has no personal interactions

Dreams came true but did not change the truth

Of what I truly am

How can I love the people who would love this person I am

The darkness drowns me

Pulling me under the place of breathing

Mother has been given more pain from the bowels of darkness within me

No words from her lips no sighs of her heart

Just unending deafening silence

The words were just and true

But to write them for the world to see

Broke the rules of how we play family

I am not the silent one any longer

But now I must be silenced

The silence from childhood was mandated by my mind

Now will they attempt to silence me with exclussion

No more will I rest in the house of rehabilitation

To me they have made it a fortress

My words so sharp and unyielding cut the tie that binds

As sharp as the pain Mother felt when they could finally cut the cord

Pain has always separated us

I was never really an insider

Just an inside joke.

 

 

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About authorjlpitts

J.L. Pitts is a Non-Fiction writer. She blogs about her faith and writes probing articles on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She is also a poet. Her newest book was published recently "Scar Wars Forged In Fight" is already stirring the nest in her memoir with a tell-all format. She is writing her third book also a non-fiction work about creating a closer walk with God. She is now a Certified Professional Counselor who specializes in helping clients to become at ease in any social situation. She herself learned these tactics after her own treatment of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder showed her the gap in evolving in a therapeutic setting and evolving in today's society. Horrified by the fact that 22 soldiers diagnosed with PTSD commit suicide every day induced her to start this blog to reach out and connect with anyone dealing with PTSD and needing a hand back into society. As a Certified Group Facilitator she has started a Meetup Group for PTSD and is currently seeking a venue in the Huntsville, Alabama area. She has been sought out by radio talk shows on the internet and people with Podcasts that are booming. She feels younger every day because she stays so active Add to all that she is a Freelance Writer who never misses a deadline. Most of her free time is spent building a website for her career. You can check out the unfinished site at http://authorjlpitts.wix.com/authorjlpitts
This entry was posted in Bad Day, Depression, J.L. Pitts, sadness and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to The Deep of Darkness

  1. hbhatnagar says:

    I am pain, I am torture, I am the devil incarnate.
    I know the feeling, and how true it feels, maybe is……
    I wish you peace.

    Like

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