I lived through a traumatic childhood and at the age of nine I attempted suicide for the first time. I grew up in such dysfunction and fear that I was afraid to sleep at night. I had nightmares when I did sleep. The one I will never forget was I thought I woke up and found all my sisters and my brother were gone so I went outside and the hay field just beyond the Australian Pines had a glow. As I walked through the hay field I found my siblings each behind a different haystack massacred by someone inhuman. I will never forget the terror of that dream I can still see the whole picture like a movie in my mind. That’s when the nightmares came, I had been molested right before the suicide attempt and also at age five and nightmares and what had happened to me kept flashing back off and on in my mind.
I was always an anxious child. I sucked my thumb till I was twelve and wet the bed until I was thirteen. I was almost thirteen when a family member raped me. It added to the nightmares and flashbacks. I lived twenty years like that with flashbacks, nightmares, and suicide attempts because I had been so traumatized as a child. But back then we had been taught you do not tell anyone your business. My parents at the time were alcoholics. I did not think they would believe me or do anything about it so I never told at seventeen when that family member raped me again I ran away from home and finally told my mom and just like I thought, she did not believe me and she said not to talk about it.
I was seventeen when I married an Army Soldier and he was my Knight in Shining Armor. Our life when we were first married kept him on suicide watch. Twelve years later I had a bad day and I knew that I was going to die. It was time. My husband was out on maneuvers and I was alone. My one last hope was a crisis line. That call changed my life forever! I began treatment the very next day having slept with a gun all night knowing what would happen with this therapist in the morning would lead me to death or life. I was diagnosed as Having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and once I knew what I was battling and that there were tools that I could use to make it a fair fight and eventually win that fight, I chose life. The whole story of what caused the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the twelve years of traveling the world while dealing with what was just insanity in my life is told in my Memoirs “Scar Wars Forged In Fright”, due to be released January 3, 2015. It is all in that book. The publishing of that book will tell all the dark secrets of the first twenty-nine years of my life .Sadly there is a sequel to it.
Having been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, even though we could not afford it on a Sergeant’s pay, I went to therapy one day every week for the first year. I went to group therapy with other women, who although went through a lot of the same experiences that I did, had different disorders of their own. But oh, how that helped knowing I was not alone that it was not just my family that had lived in terror but, other women had their own childhood trauma and there were even cases much worse than mine.
My therapist pulled out all the stops and I had a myriad of different treatments. Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing was a newer therapy that a doctor from the VA was practicing through my therapist’s office. The woman was a very good at what she did and that therapy helped me move forward in my healing faster than any of the others but it was tougher to get through. My therapist followed Jung’s mental health theories more than Freud’s and that turned out to be the best choice for me. We also did Art therapy which was extremely revealing. But I went through two years of intense treatments uncovering things that for me, were too wretched to remember. If you buy the book when it comes out you might think it’s some kind of sexually perverse thriller. But I wrote most of it in the book anyway. To me my childhood was a sexually perverse thriller.
I know what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder does to your life. There is no normal anymore.The book I wrote relates to childhood trauma being the cause of the abuse but the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are listed in a mental health book and I had every symptom described in it. No matter what causes the trauma the same symptoms were always found listed in that mental health book. Some people have severe symptoms hallucinations, flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia and suicidal ideations. Those symptoms were the severe symptoms I lived through but the are others I faced, the book tells you more about in detail.
One day I read a news release that twenty-two Soldiers/Veterans commit suicide each day. The lucky ones sought help and since there was not a” backlog” at most VA hospitals and the Military knew what to look for. That is the only reason why that number is not higher, it could be much worse. Now PTSD from War is totally different from PTSD from childhood trauma it is also different for the survivors of 9/11. But the symptoms are the same. Each person is affected by the trauma to different degrees. Many Soldiers/Veterans have severe symptoms like I had. Twenty-two a day do not make it. That is not acceptable. They received the trauma in line of duty on foreign soil but they are dying from that very trauma right here on American soil.
My husband is a Veteran, He served in Desert Storm. He was changed when he came back but he did not have PTSD. That was a blessing from God, because with both of us having it we never would have survived. As a Military wife I was Mom to a lot of Soldiers far from home. They came to the house and we cooked and ate meals and celebrated holidays and I still have a love for soldiers that do not have family with them.
I also know what it is like not have people understand that during a flashback you are back to where it all took place you can hear, see, feel, smell, and even taste what happened at that moment of trauma. Your back and that trauma is happening right then and you have to relive it Therapy helps you learn to deal with the Flashbacks but they are always more vivid than a memory even after you have done a lot of healing.
I am on disability but I decided I would give a small percentage of every book I sold to a Non-profit organization for Soldiers/Veterans who were Recovering their lives back from PTSD. So I found one. A very good one. One that actually serves the last duty station my husband was at before the draw down happened. Yes he went to war for his Country put his life on the line came back looking like a skeleton but Clinton said they had to go. The same thing is happening again. Democrats seem to like to play with Soldiers lives and then throw them away afterwards.
I have not heard back from the foundation and maybe the percentage I can afford is not enough for them or maybe since the OTSD was caused by different trauma, they do not want to associate those two traumas. I hope they take it. No matter what causes PTSD the devastation to the person’s life is very much the same. I want to give this gift to help Soldiers/Veterans more than anything. Guess the mom in me that took care of all those Soldiers who had no family with them just wants to also mother these courageous Soldiers/Veterans.
I will let you know if they decide to take the percentage from each sale. Small percentages add up
If there are any Soldiers/Veterans reading this, am I offending you? I totally mean to honor you and I would hate if I was doing the opposite and offending you! Please feel free to let me know.