Remember This is a Journey of Healing

Bad days come. I have not had bad days in so long that I am amazed at how many good days I have had. But today is one bad day. My medications for my mental health disorders were working just fine doing a fantastic job of keeping me on an even keel. But last Monday I went to the pain specialist for my back pain and the nurse practitioner suggested I try this new medication that would help the pain from by back not radiate into my leg. Wow I thought “that would be great”! Then she told me the name. Neurontin, Just the name scared me. So I said will this medication interact with my mental health medications because I am doing so well right now, she went to check and came back saying it was usually used for seizures but should not interact with my mental health medications. I did not believe her so when I got the medicine filled I asked the pharmacist and she said yes it can alter your mood and or cause depression you need to be aware if those side effects start. After one dose I looked at things in a more negative view but I thought hey It is just a bad day. After the second dose I kept asking do I seem different because I feel different but everyone was like no nothing seems out of place. The third dose I thought about suicide for the first time since my medications were regulated and I knew not to take another dose. I can live with the physical pain. So I did not take it yesterday. Last night my daughter was a contestant for a local “Junior Idol Event” She made her mark and won a slot in the finals. But while we were sitting there two little nonsensical things happened. I asked her if my make-up looked alright and she caught me off guard by telling me I always do it wrong. So instead of my brain being able to process that as her having the jitters, my brain started repeating in my mind you look bad, you look ugly, you are always going to be ugly but I told myself this is my daughter’s night and I was going to keep it all together for her. Then my husband whom I have recently reunited with, said some mean remark and had not put us down as her parents he had put his name then my name so it was announced as though she were a child of divorced parents. Again my over sensitive brain took affront to that when that happened I became two people. I have that ability because one of my mental health disorders is Dissociative Identity Disorder. Mother came out to handle the whole event as if she were quite used to her daughter winning amazing contests even going around talking to the other moms. The whole while inside my head I hear weeping and wailing and the words I just want to die. But it is my daughters night so I remain with Mother out front. I know because of my experience with medications I am just being negatively affected by that new medication. But I closed down emotionally. My husband who had offended me, and made me question the validity of even trying to reunite wanted to know if I was okay. Mother replied I was fine. But he knew that was not the case. We got my daughter’s friend home and arrived at my husband’s home and I went to take the ugly looking makeup off my face. Mother had receded. So it was just me feeling worthless, unloved, unprotected but the small piece of sanity I had left said “pajamas and sleep”  after my nightly medications and slipping on my favorite pajamas I got in bed and pulled the cover over my head. My husband came to bed and tried to draw me to him and I icily said I want to stay where I am. I know that seems to be an awful thing to do but I was only capable of maintaining my sanity. I went to sleep with a good outlook and the second time my husbands pulled me to him I just let go and decided his arms would give me comfort. But it was the night time medications that finally ended the insanity for me. I awakened to a state of depression. But I had one good thing to look forward to today and that was the chance to meet up with other bloggers and writers for a luncheon. But I could not handle that so I just sent The Writer to the meeting. She was entertaining, I think,  and polite and I am sure the other people she met thought she was educated and friendly. On the way home she had to take one for the team and go by her beloved radio station and end her commitment with them. They are a non-profit radio station and play Christian music but suddenly in the past few weeks have decided to play some secular music and the singer in question took a stand behind the right for gays and lesbians to marry. As a Christian I believe only a union between a man and a woman can really be called a marriage. I thought my radio station also held those beliefs but not to the point of conviction that I do obviously. They said that the singer had a good song about a man being baptized and they were going to keep it on the playlist. And that is that. I dearly loved the radio station and it brought a lot of peace to me but every time they played that song it obliterated my peace. So instead of listening and getting into the Holy Spirit and then being ambushed by that song I decided to part ways. There was one other secular piece of music they had started playing and I just wanted a station to get away from the world and that song was about a man’s relationship with his beloved. Pretty song but has nothing to do with invoking the Holy Spirit or praising God. So after a horrible night and severe depression I lost my Spiritual Support. I sit here in my husband’s house while he and my daughter travel to the football game. That is an activity I cannot enjoy with them because it means sitting on hard bleachers and my back cannot take that kind of pressure it causes too much pain. Yet, I am still on a healing journey. I called the pharmacist and he ensures me the medication wreaking havoc on my brain should be out of my body in another twenty-four hours.. So I truly believe this too shall pass. The only thing I am worried about is the fact that I have to wait alone and the bottle of phenobarbital calls my name, now and then,  asking to be ingested. But I know I will prevail. Tomorrow will be a better day on “The Journey To Healing”.

 

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About authorjlpitts

J.L. Pitts is a Non-Fiction writer. She blogs about her faith and writes probing articles on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She is also a poet. Her newest book was published recently "Scar Wars Forged In Fight" is already stirring the nest in her memoir with a tell-all format. She is writing her third book also a non-fiction work about creating a closer walk with God. She is now a Certified Professional Counselor who specializes in helping clients to become at ease in any social situation. She herself learned these tactics after her own treatment of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder showed her the gap in evolving in a therapeutic setting and evolving in today's society. Horrified by the fact that 22 soldiers diagnosed with PTSD commit suicide every day induced her to start this blog to reach out and connect with anyone dealing with PTSD and needing a hand back into society. As a Certified Group Facilitator she has started a Meetup Group for PTSD and is currently seeking a venue in the Huntsville, Alabama area. She has been sought out by radio talk shows on the internet and people with Podcasts that are booming. She feels younger every day because she stays so active Add to all that she is a Freelance Writer who never misses a deadline. Most of her free time is spent building a website for her career. You can check out the unfinished site at http://authorjlpitts.wix.com/authorjlpitts
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