I have probably been clinically depressed all my life. Maybe it is because when I was two I had an illness called Meningococcal Meningitis. It is an infection in the membranes that cover the brain and spinal cord. It is a deadly disease. I had a severe case and the doctors did not know that I would make it and they told my Mother that if I did make it I would probably have serious complications like deafness, brain damage and neurological problems.
So maybe there was brain damage that caused me to fall into depression at such the early age as five. The first time I tried to commit suicide was nine years old. I was being mentally tortured and I could not take it anymore. I went to the bathroom and filled my hand full with a few pills of everything in the medicine cabinet I remember swallowing all of them. And then I went to my bedroom and laid down on the bed and prayed to God to take me home I could not take this kind of living anymore. You can find out what happened to me that day after I took all those pills in my book Scar Wars Forged In Fright it will be released January 3, 2015. I go into detail about what happened that day because I had a near death experience.
My book Scar Wars Forged In Fright mainly deals with the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder problems I had from a childhood full of mental, physical, and sexual abuse. I was depressed all of my life but the one thing that kept me going was my Faith in God. God placed a very special man in my life who helped me find joy in life even through my sorrow. I married him of course, and he has stood with me every since the day we met.
I fought depression everyday of my life that I can remember, but after fifteen years of infertility I got pregnant for the fourth time, but instead of miscarrying in the first trimester I had a perfect, healthy and beautiful baby girl. I remember the day they wheeled me and my baby out to the car and my husband took a picture of me with my daughter and I felt the Light of God shine down on us. But darkness started falling rapidly. By my six week check up I was diagnosed as having Post Partum Depression. But I refused to take any medication because I was breastfeeding. I learned everything I could about Post Partum Depression and I made sure I was always upbeat and in a good mood in front of my daughter because my depression could have had an ill effect on her. I made up songs for her and I sang and played happy baby games all the time. But at night time when I put her to bed it seemed like the very darkness of the night would enter my mind.
My daughter is now fifteen years old and after fourteen years I finally have the right combination of medications that I can finally feel happiness again. But in those fourteen years I was hospitalized numerous times sometimes because I had attempted suicide and sometimes from trying to keep me from trying to commit suicide. I have scars on my body that will always remind me of that darkness.
In Scar Wars Forged In Fright I actually take you through through the thought process of coming so close to death.
Unfortunately I know exactly the kind of depression that took Robin Williams from all of us. And my heart hurts, literally hurts when I think of him going through that thought process all alone. It brings me such deep sadness. You cannot ever know the depths of darkness that you go through when you finally reach that place where the darkness overcomes you and the only possible way out of the darkness is to go through to the light on the other side. That’s where I went when I was nine years old.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) free and CONFIDENTIAL